Five Foolproof Ways To Win Hearts With Food
by Omnicat
Summary: or: How Trowa Subjected Dorothy To Self–Help Books, And Self–Help Books To Dorothy.


**Title:** Five Foolproof Ways To Win Hearts With Food

**Author:** Omnicat v''v

**Rating:** K+ / PG

**Genre:** Humor, true Romance optional

**Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge:** None.

**Warnings:** If you're old enough to understand the innuendo in the first place, you should no longer have to be warned about it.

**Pairings:** Trowa Barton x Dorothy Catalonia

**Disclaimer:** :pouts:

**Summary:** or: How Trowa Subjected Dorothy To Self–Help Books, And Self–Help Books To Dorothy.

**Author's Note:** Enjoy!

**II-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-I-oOo-I-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-II**

**Five Foolproof Ways To Win Hearts With Food**

_# 1 - Breakfast_

A delicate bell rings. An ornate door opens. A magnificent eyebrow rises.

"Don't tell me you've killed Gaston and taken his identity."

A shoulder shrugs nonchalantly. "I bribed him and took his place for the day. Better?"

"Much."

A blond head tilts. "Though I must wonder why."

A tray is set down gently.

"I'm testing a theory."

A delicate mouth forms an 'O'.

"My sister gave me a self-help book. 'Five Foolproof Ways To Win Hearts With Food'."

A feminine laugh resounds.

"The author claims no-one can resist. I decided not to waste my time with just anyone."

"Count me in."

_# 2 - Lunch_

"The book said 'foolproof'?"

"It's supposed to be better than 'genius proof'. Because doing it wrong is so much easier than

doing it right."

"Very true."

"I don't suppose it's working yet?"

"No. Lovely sandwiches, though. It must have cost you hours to perfect these shapes."

"That, and several loafs of bread that are now only good for dipping gruel or feeding birds."

"May I assume there will be freshly shot and plucked duck for dinner, then?"

"If you wish. The book says to give you what you want when asked."

"Wonderful. Let me get my favourite rifle and we'll get started."

_# 3 - Dinner_

Dishes are served. Formal bows are made, claimed to have been missed, asked to be repeated, made again. Devilish smiles are formed. Manicured hands are waved, orders given. Lids are lifted, scents wafted. Portions are measured, cut, distributed. Glasses of wine are sampled, discarded, accepted.

Cutlery is heard clinking against porcelain. Delicate bites are taken. Appreciative sounds are made. Crystal is stained with lipstick.

Measured, deliberate movements and expressions are followed with a keen eye.

Refills are requested, granted. Stylishly decorated eyes are widened. Scorched feathers are spat out.

Grimaces are made, shoulders shrugged.

Failures are declared and doors slammed.

_# 4 - Midnight Snacks_

A knock before entering. A spiky 'V' shape made of eyebrows. "I could call security on you."

A resigned sigh. "We only came up to the third way."

A decidedly unladylike snort. "I cannot begin to comprehend the depths of your boredom, can I?"

"Nope." A creak of bed-springs as weight resettles. "Be glad."

"What is it this time?"

A look of disbelief.

"_Milk and cookies?"_

"Should have added some chocolate sauce after all, huh?"

"You do that, and I might consider."

A theft while chocolate sauce is looked for. A sigh as it is delivered.

"On to point five, then?"

_# 5 - There Is No # 5. If You've Gotten Laid By Now, You Should No Longer Be Reading This Book. If You Haven't Gotten Laid By Now, You Should No Longer Be Reading This Book. Reading Any More Will Not Get You Laid. So Stop Reading._

Dorothy looks at him with a raised eyebrow. "And?"

"We could just have sex."

She smirks. "The book said something about metaphors, did it?"

Trowa smirks back. "Something like that."

"Well, I guess it _would_ be a shame to waste the chocolate sauce on something so vulgar as cookies."

_Two Hours Later_

Trowa shoots upright in bed, disturbing her basking.

"What?" she asks irritably.

"It worked." he concludes, utterly surprised. "The book actually worked."

They look at each other for a moment. Then she bursts out laughing and he decides he has nothing to complain about.

**II-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-I-oOo-I-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-II**

**PSAN:** Read and Review, please. ;D

**I-oOo-I**

**Alternative Pairing Season**

ATTENTION ALL AUTHORS!

I have written several fics featuring couples that are considered ALTERNATIVE, and are highly under-represented. You can't turn you butt without finding HEERO X DUO or TROWA X QUATRE fics, and that's just fine, but that's all there seems to be. There is nothing else! It's getting boring. It thus entered my disastrous mind to write a whole series of fics with alternative pairings, but I am only one writer, with limited time and imagination at her disposal.

HEREBY, I CALL UPON EVERY AUTHOR TO WRITE AN ALTERNATIVE PAIRING FIC!

I challenge you all!  
Humour me people!

Do a lucky dip, switch your everyday preferences around 180 degrees, raise the dead, bend genders, play Frankenstein, BE CREATIVE! Straight or gay or bi, two or thee or six at a time, incest, narcism, Stockholm Syndrome, Oedipus Complex, fetishes, aphrodesiacs, nymphomania, anything goes, as long as it isn't any of this:  
_01xRP, 01x02, 02xHS, 03xMU, 03x04, 04xDC, 05xMC, 05xSP, 06x09, 06x13, 11x13, 05x13_

_( - Preferably hetero or yuri, because even rare yaoi is trice as abundant as yuri and most het, but not mandatory;)  
- Absolutely NO OCs;  
- Primary genre is to be romance, secondary genre optional;  
- All ratings go;  
- Crossovers don't count.  
_  
Join the revolution!

Thank you for your time.


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